Nothing is perfect

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I'm going to New York on Wednesday morninggg!
Seems weird a place i've always wanted to go to and I finally am.
I've got all my stuff packed.
Just gotta do my bio exam tomorrow then I'm getting the train home in the evening to meet mike and go back to mine and we'll make proper plans and decide properly what we're gonna do which we haven't done yet because I haven't seen him in 10 days and we've both been doing uni work.
We're going to a Hit The Lights/Every Avenue/Sing it Loud + Farewell show while we're there which will be a good pop punk show. & it's free cause we don't have a credit card to pay so the venue's just putting us on the house guestlist. (what the hell is with everything being credit cards only? are people my age expected to be trusted with a credit card over there?)

I hope my fake id has arrived even though i'm scared to use it, I think i've lost that type of confidence I used to have when I was 16/17 using a fake id.
I'm just gonna go to crappy bars where I won't be so scared haha.

Think of all the foood! We're gonna find a big cheap steakhouse on mike's birthday. Yum I can't wait. Although we have the smallest food budget compared to our clothes budget.

I am so hot. Seriously this flat makes me want to die with it's heat. nice weather's no good to me when i'm inside.

I think i'm more prepared for my psychobio exam than I thought i'd be. I know enough basics to pass easily I hope.
So many words I can't even pronounce.
But as I thought it was absolutely impossible when I started looking at the lectures and now i'm diagnosing myself with damage to my central nervous system I think i've come a long way!

My flatmate gave me Gray's Anatomy to watch which means I have another boxset to get caught up in. I watched 5 episodes last night, I'm liking it. I'll watch some more tonight till I fall asleep.

I really like Every Avenue - Between you & I in a sick way really.

I got a blogger. I don't know why. I get dragged into these things.

+ Most importantly just live, have fun & be happy.
- Be as carefree as possibly
- remember i'm only 18 and nothing matters THAT much
- do what I want to do and don't worry too much about opinions that aren't important.
- Get experimental ha.
- get messy drunk as many times as possible.
+ Manage money better. I am terrible at this
+ Learn from mistakes, i'll get this one right one day.
+ Go to lectures.
- I should probably realise that i'm not actually above maths
& never attending stats lectures & workshops and never looking at stats work is not
going to make it go away.
+ make more effort at uni in general especially with people.
+ Last aslong as possible without a job. I give myself till the end of January.
+ Come back to manchester more & see all my friends more.
+ adventures! adventures! adventures! Preferebly including hotel rooms and good people.
More like 2006 but with less naivity and better clothes.
+ Remember the year more - pictures, writing in here. I don't remember enough of this year.
+ Put the effort into my relationship it deserves.
+ Acheive some kind of body happiness. I know i'm not fat and i'm borderline obsessive but there's always room for improvement
- go to the gym at least 3-4 times a week.
- start running again twice a week even if it is horrible.
- get a super flat stomach.
- cheekbones cheekbones cheekbones.
- don't eat out as much, don't eat crap & remember nachos are the devil's food.
+ Always leave an impression, nothing's worse than being forgettable.
+ The all important be trashy.
+ Make decent new friends and fun aquaintances. I'm seriously bored of the same profiles on my myspace friends list haha.
+ Stop sleeping all day. Get up before 12.
+ Remember in the words of my mother I "don't need baggage"
+ Be less of a generally messy person. Something i've been trying to do for years.
Consistency!

Hmm something like that.

I think generally I am a lot happier and more balanced than this time last year.
I haven't drastically changed but i'd say i'm a better person.
I've experienced what it is to really love and hurt which is quite a significant experience.

I think this time last year I was just so angry.
"my name's abbey and i'm angry at the world!" probably because of boys like you dickhead.
I was reading back through an entry from the end of 2006 earlier and this made me laugh:
"Although I'm glad your stupid mini mosher face has got fat you still make me smile.
I'm also glad the last thing I said to you was 'twat' because I hate you for being you."

Pretty much sums it up.

I need to make the most of this year.
I'm only 18 for 4 more months. YUCK.

I hate trains! I hate hate hate them!
I hate it when train prices spoil adventure plans.
Why is it so hard to see some people? :[.

This just isn't no summer 06.

Self Against City in Liverpool tonight, I want it to be fun.
I forgot how much Liverpool doesn't work for me.

I think spending over a weeks wages on 2 dresses was probably a bad move. I'm poor but payday is always close.

I keep getting chest pains all the time.
I thought they were for old men.
Maybe my heart's dying ha.

things to dooo.

sneaking in after being brought home on a motorbike at 4am. Late teenage rebellion or something.

epic 12 hour first date.
2 games of bowling, I lost. Laser tag, I lost again. Pizza hut, where everyone is clearly a winner. Then Die Hard 4.0 which was good. Walked around Rochdale in rough estates where everyone sits in their cars at night & through scary places that reminded me of this one book that has left me with a deep fear of trees.
Andy taught me some fighting moves until a security car came out who'd been watching us on a camera and thought we were actually fighting & totally thought Andy was a girl beater.
More aimless walking before we sat on a big wall by the retail park talking until we decided we just HAD to walk to the 24 hr tescos even though we bought nothing.
Tried to call a taxi at 2.10 but they said it would take 40 minutes so we decided to walk to Andy's instead so he could take me home on his bike.
Walked an hour to Andy's along a canal. Too tired to pronounce words properly.
Got kitted up in motorbike gear and got home & it was light outside.
Pretty fun date really.

Now I must sleep before birmingham tomorrow.
I hate my phone.
I have a helmet at the end of my bed.
bed.

In retrospect I fucking hate you.

I hate that I let you talk and act the way you did to me.
I hate that I didn't and don't have the confidence to tell you what a dick I think you are.
I hate how I feel like I've ruined the way you think of me when I actually have nothing to feel sorry about.
I hate the way I care that you might dislike me over something I didn't even do because of loyalties to you that I shouldn't have ever had.
I hate that I was the one who got fucked over and yet I get bad mouthed for nothing. Fuck your band mate's comments too.
I hate that the only decent thing you ever said to me was "You're a pretty pretty girl" Super.
I hate that the only one of my friends that ever thought you were alright now admits you're a twat.
I hate that I defended you for so long.
I hate the way I keep my mouth shut to anyone who would matter and then it seems not everyone does the same.
I hate that you don't look at me like you used to.
I hate that if circumstances were different you and her would probably be together but it never would have been like that with us.
I hate that i'm even writing this.
I hate the way you effected me.
I hate that even though I don't feel like I did about you, you still make me feel like shit and so inadequate.
I hate that sometimes I still just want to talk to you. Or for you to talk to me.
I hate that you'll never know any of this and next time I see you i'll be the same as always.


Sometimes I seriously consider not going to another one of your shows.
I'm pretty sure I could do it. But I wont.


I want a nice new infatuation.
With a boy who doesn't make me want to scream and doesn't know anyone I know.

Ok I feel better.

Being done with you would be so much more satisfying if you weren't already done with me a long time ago.

I feel kind of empty.

I wish I was consistently happy.
I am a different person depending which way my mood goes.
I know that I will feel completely different when I wake up tomorrow.
I don't remember what it's like to consistently feel the same about anything or anyone.
I would just like to not be such a messy person but I don't know how.
Predicament.

5 months later I decided to look up the exact definition of endearing:

en·dear·ing (n-dîrng)
adj.
Inspiring affection or warm sympathy: the endearing charm of a little child.

Adj. 1. endearing - lovable especially in a childlike or naive way
adorable, lovely
lovable, loveable - having characteristics that attract love or affection; "a mischievous but lovable child"


I have the charm of a little child. Fuck yes.

I haven't updated about stuff i've done for ageees.
I made a new years resolution to update this properly but I think i'll start that from tomorrow ha.
I'm just gonna post pictures of everything.

( pictures )

One of my bestfriends told me I only have two emotions: hate & anger.
Well i'm feeling them both pretty strongly right now.

Maybe I judge people too much on my own actions but I refuse to believe you didn't know exactly what you were doing.

Honestly I don't truly hate many people at all and I never hold grudges but I seriously think I am going to always resent you.

I'm scared things could be ruined.
Everything would have been so different if it wasn't for you.

I hate how you'll have enjoyed this.

Stay the fuck away from this one thing.
Keep your smug smiles and attempts at conversation.
You're pathetic.

currently getting trashed in font bar with the alcoholic and eeasy one I'm the homewrecker. good nicknames. 3 man and southern comfort. no pointing no drink drunk drank. tonight is gooing to be great. drunk eyes all round. we roll we roll. hahahaha.

it's 6am & I'm lay on leeds coach station floor with whiskers drawn on my face in permenant marker.

oh what a silly life I lead.

I want to see the blackout tonight.
chiodos tomorrow.
sean smith may have a point about the alcohol.
my bed would be nice.

This is your message
You struck deep what most find hard to reach
Well goddammit you warned me
Pleaded, "don't get so involved"
I'll do what's best and slowly dissolve

I'd hold the sun up just to wake beside you
Imagine what you could see, if you just let yourself like me
Forget the incidents, thoughtless and abusing
Imagine what you could see, if you just let yourself like me

Don't be sorry
You're less enticing
You've just lost what most find hard to keep
I'll take two of the white ones
Forget what I said last month
I'll spare myself, the embarrassment

I'd hold the sun up just to wake beside you
Imagine what you could see, if you just let yourself like me
Forget the incidents, thoughtless and abusing
Imagine what you could see, if you just let yourself like me

Cause I do
I was foolish to have thought I could catch you
Stupid to have ever liked you
And your sly little smile
Curved the comforts I used to find
Drag me inside
I'm yours to use tonight
I'm yours to use tonight

I'd hold the sun up just to wake beside you
Imagine what you would see, if you just let yourself like me
Cause I do
Cause I do
I was foolish to have thought I could catch you
Stupid to have ever liked you
But I do
But I do

I don't get how we can go somewhere an hour away from home and plan to leave at 11 so we get home at a decent time and yet it's 4.30am and we're still not home. we seem to have a habit of taking 5 times as long as we should to get home. it's all the blackout's fault. everything is the blackout's fault tonight.

lucky for me we were lying down
Just from kissing you I could have passed right out.

I'm in a mansion in the middle of nowhere. last night I played in a hot tub and pool! for real not even a bath this time. these two days have been crazy. spent way too much time in the riverclubs van. I've had basically no sleep these last couple of days. I really can't sleep in other places. I'm going to stop before my phone dies.